This vessel is empty.... and I have never felt this whole.
I'm no stranger to stripping away and letting go and this last year has given me even more opportunity to see myself and experience myself in new ways.
I haven't chosen to speak of this openly, thus far, as I am deeply aware of how no matter our circumstances, this year has had its challenges, opportunities and for many, rewards also. Perhaps found in some of the most unlikely of places.
Traveling this last year in a new village and county, having moved just two weeks before lockdown of March 2020 and on my own save for my beloved animal friends has had me reaching for new depths within myself. To feel so very isolated and at many junctures alone has been one of the greatest gifts and yes it has also been acutely painful.
What I was determined albeit, at times unconsciously, to do, was not self protect by relying on my all too effortless 'hermit-like' skills - I love my own company and the stillness and quiet - and yet this year, presented something very different. Could I stay so very alive in my own presence without hiding and yet remain only with myself and within my four walls (metaphorical).
Experiencing this last year alone was only the beginning of this journey for me as I was guided over and over at the beginning of March 2020 to also let all of my creative projects go.... to let my visions drift off upon the South Westerly winds and let myself falter and find footing with nothing to hold onto. No vision of myself. No belonging to community. No relationship.
Over the year I have been unable to find traction especially in those moments where I have tried... where I have tried the old ways to get work or projects moving - tried the old ways to find love and connection and relationship.
As I sat looking out over the Orchard behind my cottage this morning - I realised that I have never been so empty. This vessel is empty and I have never felt so whole. In many ways nothing has remained and certainly not in the capacity that it did. Friendships and connections are evolving or simply no longer present in my field, in my reality. I cannot hold on. To try to hold on is to try and control and whilst I have infinite choice - I no longer want any control. There is a freedom in my being that I have never felt and I am beyond grateful.
I share because it is such a beauty filled and grace filled space to find myself in and that's worthy of sharing. The infinite space that I have travelled within myself has taken deep courage and a trust in the Universe within me like never before. I am grateful to this time for I know myself at a much more intimate level. I have found worth through truly seeing myself for there has been no-one else here to see me and to validate me.
I have seen and felt and experienced my wholeness and I only wish the very same for you.
I look forward to seeing and feeling and experiencing the deliciousness of the connections and creative endeavours that emerge with me from these depths.